A pursuer and withdrawer relationship is a “cat and mouse” dynamic.
Here, a relationship therapist outlines how to find success in it.
Lets begin with breaking down what it means to be a withdrawer, who finds safety in retreating.
At their best, they are highly dependable and take great care in not disappointing others.
But when they sense impending conflict, judgment, or rejection, they pull back.
They believe that if they dont rely on others, they cant be hurt by them either.
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According to attachment theory, many withdrawers came to be as a result of a childhood without secure caregivers.
They therefore turned to toys, books, and imaginary relationships as replacements.
On the contrary, the pursuer finds safety in connection.
When afraid, they may avoid a fear of abandonment by pulling for proximity to their partners.
This dynamic doesnt have to be completely negative though.
4 tips for success in a relationship with a pursuer and withdrawer
1.
This, in turn, creates a stronger dynamic for vulnerabilities to be expressed in a healthy way.
Now when I get stressed, I go into my own world instead of turning to you.
So, consider doing the opposite.
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Consider making a bid for connection without pressure or an ultimatum.
Consider what might happen if you give space and breathing room to both your partner and yourself.
Remember that your partner can enrich your life but cant heal your heart.
Closeness, crucially, doesnt mean sameness.
Most of us have distinctly different needs, capacities, and feelings than our partners.
Imagine your differences as a breeding ground for curiosity.
In withdrawer-withdrawer dynamics, sometimes one of the withdrawers is actually a pursuer in burnout.
This person rallied for connection for a long time and has now given up.
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