Its here that we typically run into the anxious-avoidant dating trap.
Those with asecure attachmentcan meet their needs and feel safe asking their partner for help when needed.
People withinsecure attachment styles, such as anxious and avoidant, can learn skills to become securely attached.
But these triggers arent just about whats happening at the momenttheyre rooted in our early childhood experiences.
What is the anxious-avoidant dating trap?
When these two styles enter a relationship, things can become complicated quickly.
psychotherapist
Its essentially a cycle where one is always chasing, and the other is always withdrawing.
An anxious attacher may cling or appear needy, causing the avoidant attacher to become upset or triggered.
However, the avoidant partner isnt gone for good, she clarifies.
Its important to understand that no attachment style is inherently bad.'
According to Groskopf, these dynamics often start during childhood.
How do you know if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style?
Online quizzes are available, but they may not be comprehensive, says Ray.
Each attachment style is just a way weve learned to cope with our need for connection.
Even those with secure attachments arent always perfect in relationships.
psychotherapist
Secure attachment isnt about never getting triggered or having a perfect relationship.
This source of tension can start a chain reaction of responses and coping mechanisms that perpetuate an unhealthy dynamic.
Ahead, see a few signs you might be caught in an anxious-avoidant dating trap, according to experts.
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1.
While these moments can feel small, these types of conflict often kickstart the cycle.
Start by recognizing your attachment patterns.
Understanding where these behaviors come from helps you make conscious changes.
This only exacerbates the anxious partners fears that they are being abandoned orbroken up with.
This stage can be repeated multiple times.
They will continue to feel frustrated and hurt but wont express those emotions to their partner.
Avoidant partner returns, seeking connection and things going smoothly.
When this fear emerges, the avoidant partner will reach out to the anxious partner, seeking to connect.
This cycle doesnt have to persist, even if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style.
So, what is the solution to breaking this cycle?
Ray continues, Similarly, the avoidantly attached person tends to withdraw when upset.
Its like having one part of a skill but not the second half.
With this in mind, each partner needs to become better at communicating what they need.
Seek professional help
Therapy can be really helpful here.
It offers a safe space to explore these dynamics and learn how to support each other, recommends Groskopf.
A therapist can provide strategies to create emotional safety, which is necessary for both partners to feel secure.
Secure couples often co-regulate, which involves slow, quiet, connected physical affection that calms the nervous system.
Learning to incorporate these behaviors more into your relationship can help reduce the anxious-avoidant trap, advises Ray.
Set boundaries
Setting clear boundaries is also important, Groskopf emphasizes.
Setting boundaries should involve taking actions that impact your behavior, rather than trying to control the other person.
An anxious partner saying, If you dont text me back right now, Im breaking up with you!
Why are anxious and avoidant people attracted to each other?
For the anxious partner, the avoidants initial independence can seem stable and secure.
Essentially, they are replaying a template from their childhood in their adult relationships, adds Ray.
You may get defensive and avoid secure attachments because youve never had experience with them.
Simpson, Jeffry A, and W Steven Rholes.
Adult Attachment, Stress, and Romantic Relationships.Current Opinion in Psychology, vol.
13, 2017, pp.
1924.National Library of Medicine, www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X16300306, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006.
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