Guess culture" describes how people make requests of others.
Here’s where you fall, and why it matters for your relationships.
Has your work friend crossed a line and asked you a completely inappropriate question?
Your reaction to this situation depends entirely on whether youre an Asker or a Guesser.
The concept of Askers and Guessers has floated around the internet for years.
This is Ask Culture.
educational psychologist and member of the National Coalition on Healthcare
(More recently, the debate about Ask vs.
Guess culture has resurfaced onTikTok.)
What is the difference between an Asker and a Guesser?
First, the Askers.
Guessers, on the other hand, have a more external focus when it comes to asking for help.
Therefore, a Guesser rarely asks for a favor unless they have to.
While the parent gets what they want, they arent well-liked or dont have good relationships.
Lets go back to your work friends last-minute request for help moving.
If you dont feel that much discomfort about being asked (hey, no harm done, right?
educational psychologist and member of the National Coalition on Healthcare
), youre probably an Asker.
Another way to tell whether youre an Asker or a Guesser?
Its pretty simple, says Dr. Marino.
If you have to ask, well…youre probably an Asker.
Why do Askers and Guessers clash so much?
Askers and Guessers have wildly different styles when it comes to asking for assistance.
And naturally, this can (and often does) lead to a conflict between the two personalities.
Meanwhile, the Asker might speed ahead in the relationship without considering the feelings of the Guesser.
(Hey, it doesnt hurt to ask if he wants to come back to my place.
He can always say no.
(Its been a year and we still havent said I love you.
But now its too awkward to bring up.
Donna Marino, PsyD
Askers and Guessers might also run into snags when theyre working together professionally.
(Of course, being a Guesser, you probably wont.)
Friendships can get extra sticky between Askers and Guessers, because the energy dynamic can start to feel uneven.
Askers will almost always have an opinion and ask for what they need, Dr. Patel explains.
Guessers will often think about both of their perspectives and want to do whats best for both of them.
Over time, this may make the [friendship] feel one-sided.
Ever heard ofenergy vampires?
How to communicate effectively in Ask vs.
Guess culture
Yes, Askers and Guessers can frequently run into challenges navigating their very different communication styles.
If youre an Asker:
1.
In the eyes of the Asker, this person can always say no.
Whats the big deal?
Have you asked to use your roommates salad dressing three times this week?
It might be time to buy your own bottle.
If they dont want to do it, why wouldnt they just say so?
Is this something that has the potential to be fun or rewarding for this person?
Is this something that only this particular person can help you with?
Is this an emergency?
If so, go ahead and ask your work friend if she can help you move this weekend.
If youre a Guesser:
1.
De Los Santos suggests practicing saying no as often as possible.
Dr. Marino suggests writing a few scripts, so you wont get too flustered while setting a boundary.
Sometimes, says De Los Santos, Askers will double down on their request.
Dr. Marino recommends explaining whats going on to a close family member or friend that you trust.
Tell them youre working on saying no, and that you would like to start practicing with them.
Admitting youre feeling uncomfortable, in this case, might actuallyalleviatesome of those feelings of discomfort, she explains.
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