How does one become more self-disciplined, sociable, or even happier?
But those feelings can be a sign that something matters to you, and is therefore worth pursuing.
It can be a helpful sequence to remember when you’re trying on new personality traits.
ACT was originated by Steven Hayes, a psychology professor at the University of Nevada, Reno.
Rather than fight the panic, he accepted it.
(Hayes says it can be done with or without a therapist.)
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What is The Missionary Sex Position?
Hayes advises people to do something every day that fits with their values.
“Values” might sound vagueand vaguely religiousbut they are the focus of several ascendant mentalhealth strategies.
Many experts recommend discovering your values so that you might behave in a way that honors them.
After I read his book, I asked Hayes to expand on his work in an interview.
He’s seventy-four, with a perfectly bald head and a youthful vigor.
As we talked, I learned that his brother had died suddenly two months prior.
“I feel sad talking about that;' he said, then paused.
“That’s what love looks like.
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you could’t avoid them, but you could accept them while doing whatever matters to you anyway.
Why were those moments so meaningful for you?
The answer might point to an important value.
Why do you think you cared so much about them?
For a “hero;' think about someone who embodies an attribute you’d like to have.
What would it take for you to possess that same trait?
And finally, think about how you would write the story of your life.
How would you want to be remembered?
Those “epitaph” qualities are often the ones we wish we exhibited more in day-to-day life.
(According to the Big Five, she’d probably rank high on extroversion and agreeableness.)
“yes, like the WWJD bracelets from church camp.
It’s not that I act exactly like Kathy now.
And I have a go at do it.
Excerpted fromMe, But Better: The Science and Promise of Personality Changeby Olga Khazan.
Copyright 2025 by Olga Khazan.
Reprinted by permission of Simon Element, an imprint of Simon & Schuster, LLC.
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