Eldest daughter syndrome places early responsibility and maturity on the oldest girl in a family.
Learn the signs and how to cope with it.
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Perhaps you felt more like a surrogate parent to your siblings rather than a child yourself.
If this sounds familiar, youre not alone and theres a name for iteldest daughter syndrome.
But its earned new life on social media because of viral TikTok videos on the subject.
therapist and chief clinical officer at premarital counseling platform Ours
Their self-worth becomes tied to the successful management of their responsibilities and keeping others happy.
Now sure if I feel attacked or seen, wrote one person on Mortons video.
I never remember being a kid.
Always felt responsible for both parents and younger brothers…Im exhausted, wrote another.
What is oldest daughter syndrome?
Similar tomiddle child syndrome, eldest daughter syndrome isnt an official mental health diagnosis.
This theory was coined by a psychologist named Alfred Adler in the 20s.
Eldest daughter syndrome describes a uniquely gendered version of what can happen to the oldest sibling in a family.
There is some newer evidence that eldest daughters literally grow up faster than other children.
therapist and chief clinical officer at premarital counseling platform Ours
Its important to note that birth order theory is still a theory, withmixed evidence4to itsimpact on personality5.
And what number child you are in a family is not the only factor that influences your development.
(And those negative effects can be mitigated with early interventions.)
What are the symptoms of oldest child syndrome?
Eldest daughters may feel a strong sense of responsibility for their siblings, Dr.
This includes providing social, emotional, and financial support.
The mental toll of being a caretaker can continue in adolescence.
It may have felt like you werent yourparents favorite childbecause your siblings received more of their attention.
As an adult, you might feel resentful for having to pick up the slack at home.
Other symptoms of eldest daughter syndrome arepeople pleasingand difficultysetting boundaries.
Why does eldest daughter syndrome happen?
Girls are typically socialized to be caretakers, first with siblings and later with elderly parents.
In some families, eldest daughters are treated as a reflection of their mother.
This can happen when mothers unconsciously project their struggles with prioritizing themselves onto their daughters, Dr. Romanoff explains.
In turn, eldest daughters may learn to suppress their needs or sacrifice their happiness.
Firstborn daughters are more likely to experienceparentificationcompared to older brothers and non-firstborn daughters.
Are there any benefits of eldest daughter syndrome?
There may even be an upside to this syndrome, including qualities like self-reliance, confidence, and independence.
Other people may describe them as trustworthy, dependable, and self-sufficient.
Eldest daughters tend to be high achieving, organized, and good at managing stress, Dr. Romanoff adds.
Theyre also known for being extremely likable interpersonally.
What is the mental health impact of eldest daughter syndrome?
Eldest daughters may also struggle to develop an identity outside of being a caretaker, which is known asenmeshment.
This can lead to chronic stress and feelings of resentment or inadequacy, she adds.
Beneath the pressure of adult responsibilities, eldest daughters can feel isolated and unable to relate to their peers.
Theyre used to functioning at such a high level that theyre not aware of their needs, Lahiry says.
Their self-worth becomes tied to the successful management of their responsibilities and keeping others happy.
As mentioned earlier, older daughters are often used to taking charge and are comfortable leading others.
This may also make it difficult for them to be vulnerable or ask for help.
Being parentified can contribute to anxiety and depression.
At work, they might seem controlling because of their high standards.
If youre struggling with eldest daughter syndrome, experts recommend a few places to start:
1.
Start by letting your siblings make mistakes and recognizing that this is how people grow, Dr.
This might feel uncomfortable in the moment, but its important for your growth (and theirs).
Practice setting boundaries
Another aspect of healing is learning to set boundaries and unlearning perfectionism, Lahiry says.
Perhaps you oughta reassess how you and your loved ones are sharing responsibilities like childcare or finances.
(Thesephrases for setting boundariescan help you practice, too.)
Consider mental health resources such as support groups or individual therapy.
There you’re able to learn techniques such as mindfulness and lifestyle changes to cope with anxiety.
Prioritize self care
This can be challenging for someone who is used to putting others first.
(Or even just giving yourself oneuninterrupted hour for yourselfevery single day.)
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