It’s all over TikTok and Instagram, but what is gentle parenting?
What one mom wishes she knew before implementing the practice at home.
Dont you want to eat a breakfast that will give you energy?
I know it’s possible for you to put your shoes on all by yourself.
Dont you want to go to school today?
you better be a better listener.
Hurry up, youre making us late!
You know: the one who prioritizes the acknowledgement of a childs feelings over the correction of their behavior.
A parent who sets boundaries using primarily natural consequences (i.e.
This approach is the gold standard of gentle parenting.
How did I get here?
And why had I set such a seemingly unattainable standard for myself?
Many are realizing that their emotions as children were never validated, and their opinions were rarely considered.
So they are swayed back to movements that really prioritize the parent-child relationship.
Many are realizing that their emotions as children were never validated, and their opinions were rarely considered.
So they are swayed back to movements that really prioritize the parent-child relationship.
Our own lived experience causes us to want to do it differently for our kids.
Much of the early research on parenting has called this approach authoritative parenting, says Dr. Mortimer.
Another point of difference?
Theyre trying to give something to their kids that theyre not necessarily used to giving to themselves.
Were all going to lose our cool when our kid is screaming in our face.
But its in those moments of perceived failure when [gentle] parenting actually works best.
Even with that privilege, however, gentle parenting can feel impossible.
Its an inevitability that were going to fall off the wagon, says Kroll.
Were all going to lose our cool when our kid is screaming in our face.
But its in those moments of perceived failure when empathic parenting actually works best.
I wish Id realized that sooner.
So I tapped the experts to better understand what parents should know before beginning their own gentle parenting journey.
What to know before considering gentle parenting
1.
Accept your lack of control
Fact: Parents cant control their children.
Dr. Avirett has found most parents have the hardest time accepting this.
Ask yourself, how can I have compassion for my childandmyself?
How can I have boundaries that feel good for my childandfor me?
Kroll adds: For parents under a lot of stress, this approach frees everyone up.
Its recognizing that my kids are going to mess upthats part of being a kid.
But Im also going to mess up, because thats part of being a human.
Can you really raise a well-developed child without ever sending them to their room or taking away their iPad?
It is possible, Dr. Mortimer says.
What does this front-loading mean, exactly?
Basically, the difficult work you put in is not in doling out consequences for bad behavior.
Instead, its pre-emptive.
You put in the effort during peaceful times by offering choices and affirming boundaries up front.
You let your child choose their clothes the night before, says Dr. Mortimer.
You offer them a choice of red shirt or green shirt.
You let them choose if they want to get dressed before or after they brush their teeth.
We need to teach them that all feelings are okay, but all behaviors are not.
This is where repeated connecting, enforcing boundaries, and natural consequences come in.
Its okay to feel mad.
Then we set or reaffirm the boundary.
Its not okay to hit her.
And then, we must teach.
What can we do instead of hitting?
Remember that its going to take time for this behavior to change.
Well have to keep having that conversation over and over and over.
But of course, if they are going to do something that makes anyone unsafe, we stop it.
We take away the toy before they throw it or restrain them if they are going to hit.
Its not okay to call me names.
Its okay to be angry, but its not okay to hurt me.
If saying: I see you are very sad.
Maybe youre the parent who says: I see you are sad, but we have got to go.
Lets talk about it on the way to the bus stop.
None of this expert advice changes how hard gentle parenting can be.
In truth, it shines a spotlight on its inherent difficulties.
We are not perfect.
We will make mistakes.
Its the same lesson that we are committed to teaching our children.
We just need to learn it ourselves, too.
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