A writer explores why, as someone with chronic health conditions, body positivity can feel unattainable and stressful.
Honestly, I dont even like it.
Most days, I hate its weaknesses, its needs, and the way it wears its scars.
The ongoing battle I have with my body isnt surprising.
Im not proud of this.
I wonder what it means to look back on my year of cancer survival and cringe at extra pounds.
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The basic tenants included pushback against the white, patriarchal beauty standard and a fight against anti-fat bias.
However, the movement was quickly painted terra cotta and commodified for the masses.
While these admissions might be helpful, they pushed many other folksincluding disabled and chronically ill peoplefurther into silence.
Im not alone in this assessment.
My body just betrays me mostly, she says.
What its doing for me is forcing me to lie on the bathroom floor in pain.
Im constantly battling my body no matter how much I make a run at take care of it.
After having a hysterectomy at 21, Browns stomach bears surgery scars.
But what about people whose bodies are scarred for other reasons?
Its Amazing How Its All Connected.
Many of us feel betrayed by our bodies.
We feed them, let them rest, and give them ice packs and heat pads.
I do everything I can to kindly my body, and it laughs.
And yetI still fret about all the things I worried about before.
If anything, I am more attuned to the shape of my body now.
In that way, body positivity isnt a useful framework for me.
It can feel like an additional layer of betrayal on top of the constant disappointment chronic illness brings.
(I can hear my mom saying that my body is fighting for me.
I respond: I know, but I still mourn what I thought it would be.)
Its just a denial of where the person is.
And sometimes, I am so proud of what my body has done.
But theres also a part of body neutrality that doesnt open its arms to chronically ill and disabled people.
Once in a while, the clouds part, and I see myself more holistically.
I manage to remember that my body is a miracle.
Sometimes, Im in awe of what Ive lived through.
May I start to accept that growth, in any form it takes.
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