Being stuck in the fit friend identity trap fed by eating disorder and obsession with exercise for years.
Shedding it set me free.
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Youre really going to eat a piece of cake?
This was a real sentence uttered to me a few years ago while I was in college.
At that time, I was really struggling in my relationship with food and movement.
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I restricted food and had an unhealthy, rigid exercise routine.
Healing my relationship with food took time, effort, and a willingness to go against societal norms.
But it was oh so worth it.
Some people view it as feeling amazing in their bodies and having a positive relationship with food.
Withdiet cultures pervasiveness, many people view it as being thin.
Regardless, the concept of health is not the same for everyone.
But I did feel like my body wasnt good enough,like I wasnt good enough.
Like so many other college students,I feared the so-called freshman 15.
My mind (unlike my food) was fried.
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Before long, I found myself inthe throes of an eating disorder.
The journey getting there was fraught with family dysfunction, loss, and feelings of inadequacy.
Before long, I knew something was wrong.
My mind (unlike my food) was fried.
It takes an incredible amount of work.
You have to be vulnerable andconfront parts of yourself you kept hidden or suppressedconsciously or subconsciously.
Yet to reach recovery, I had to shed this identity.
It seems so obvious now, but it blew my mind.
And it can apply to so many people.
I can imagine the power of some people hearing the words…
I was suppressing my Latinidad by trying to conform to the Eurocentric beauty ideal and avoiding my cultural foods.
I wasnt granting myself space to feel pleasure through enjoying food andbasking in rest.
Furthermore, I neglected to see how my obsessive exercise and restrictive eating behaviors harmed my relationships.
Oftentimes, we find ourselves with externally-imposed identities that we didnt really choose for ourselves.
Letting go of that was key to my recovery, even with the discomfort of pushing back.
I know that Im allowed to grow and evolve and I dont need to justify my choices to others.
Hence, the cake incidentI know Im allowed to eat all the cake I want.
Rather than exercise, which has a rigid connotation for me, I now usethe term joyful movement.
I dont rigidly do the same workout routine everyday.
Rather, I let my movement practice evolve depending on my mood and interests.
I prioritize rest days as much as movement days.
Ive tried Zumba, hiking, biking, yoga, barre, and more.
I remain open to letting my practice evolve.
It embraces the value of all foods from cake to veggies to rice and more.
I am conscious of my intention behind my movement and eating behaviors.
I try not to let other peoples judgements get in the way of my recovery.
I am conscious of honoring my bodys cues and making sure to eat enough.
I often find myself eating more than the people Im dining with, and thats okay with me.
I know how important eating enough is to my well-being.
I know that eating enough and eating foods society looks down upon does not make me lesser than.
And I dont have to explain that to anyone for it to be my truth.
Final thoughts
Health and wellness is such a personal journey.
We each have different priorities and struggles that influence our decisions and behaviors.
By doing so, Ive shed my identity of being the healthy and fit friend.
Because I am so much more than that.
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