Wondering how to be vulnerable?
Relationship experts explain how to overcome a fear of vulnerability and build emotional connections.
Our job as adults is to find our way back to that playfulness with life, she explains.
Thats the key to vulnerability.
Vulnerability is the ability to be playful.
The more you practice [vulnerability], the less scared you are about things.
apsychotherapist, author ofThe Self-Compassion Journal, and founder ofKelsey ThompsonOwner and Therapist at Light Within CounselingYasmine Saadlicensed clinical psychologist and founder ofMadison Park Psychological Services
Its a great way to overcome fear, she continues.
The specific benefits of vulnerability within our relationships are well noted.
The study found that vulnerability can develop a profound sense of intimacy in our relationships.
Theorists agree that intimacy increases when individuals vulnerable disclosures are met with partners supportive responses.
What is emotional vulnerability?
Theres an element of exposure that comes with vulnerability.
When we become vulnerable and put ourselves out there, we get to feel deeply connected.
Our relationships get to grow [because] we get to feel, be seen, and be heard.
We also get to be authentic, which really contributes to helping us engage in vulnerability.
apsychotherapist, author ofThe Self-Compassion Journal, and founder ofKelsey ThompsonOwner and Therapist at Light Within CounselingYasmine Saadlicensed clinical psychologist and founder ofMadison Park Psychological Services
Theres lots of research to show that our authenticity contributes to our happiness and well-being.
A2014 study2echoes this in its findings that state higher levels of authenticity…were associated with increased life satisfaction.
Emotional vulnerability allows you to show more of your true self to the world, McKleroy continues.
Theres an element of exposure that comes with vulnerability.
How do I practice being vulnerable?
Dr. Saad outlines four steps to help you practice being vulnerable.
The first step is to assess and work on your relationship to criticism.
A2022 study3explores test subjects struggles with criticism.
This examples include I get hurt when my opinion is criticized and I get hurt when someone criticizes me.
If you have difficulty with criticism, you have inner wounds that you better heal.
The second step to becoming vulnerable is to embrace a mindset that identifies vulnerability as a superpower.
Vulnerability empowers you to connect deeply with others and show others that nothing scares you.
It also enables you to see your strengths, disarms [others negative thinking], Dr. Saad shares.
The key point is to accept all aspects of emotions so that you feel comfortable with the last step.
The fourth step is open and honest communication, not just with others, but also yourself.
Dr. Saad stresses that all four steps require compassion and empathy towards ones self.
Vulnerability is the end result of these four steps approached with empathy and compassion.
Dr. Saad reminds us that before you become vulnerable with someone, you have to become vulnerable with yourself.
To become vulnerable with yourself, Dr. Saad encourages people to do a scan of their feelings.
Do a scan [and ask yourself] What am I feeling right now?
Am I feeling happy?
Am I feeling irritated?
If Im irritated, why am I feeling irritated?
Maybe you discover youre irritated because your needs arent being met.
Well, then what are my needs?
The idea is to take an inventory of what youre feeling and understand what is triggering you.
Being vulnerable involves work.
Its not a natural process.
What are the four main types of vulnerability?
The ability to become vulnerable with yourself really lays a foundation for all of your other relationships.
Alison McKleroy, LMFT, psychotherapist
Thats [your] time to really start processing.
It could start with Why cant I sleep or Why am I having so much anxiety at night?
Its making time for something that helps you process whats going on internally.
This could include meditation, mindfulness, or taking a solo walk each week.
Its an activity where you arent distracted by phone calls, podcasts, or books on tape.
Its giving yourself a chance to listen to the sounds of nature and thoughts that are coming up internally.
McKleroy expands on the importance of becoming vulnerable with yourself.
The ability to become vulnerable with yourself really lays a foundation for all of your other relationships.
Vulnerability creates strong communication and is a vital part of healthy relationships.
Theyre on the brink of divorce or separation, or having huge communication issues.
It is because of the lack of vulnerability.
They are assuming things.
They are thinking things about each other, and theyre not expressing them to one another.
This leads to a disconnection between the two individuals.
Its as if these two people are living separate lives.
If you feel your partners walls going up, address that.
Avoiding vulnerability in relationships stops you from having a deeper connection.
McKleroy illustrates the important role vulnerability plays when it comes to friendships.
I think it starts by testing the waters.
Start small with people that youre close to by sharing your feelings and emotions.
This can include small dreams and goals bite-size samples of vulnerabilitiesand see how they respond.
You will know when you have built trust in your relationships when there is mutual vulnerability.
This deepens our connections.
Dr. Saad points out that vulnerability can create empathy with your employer, your manager or director.
They will have so much more empathy if you come up with a clean story of vulnerability.
They will become more willing to help you out and see you succeed.
Being vulnerable in your community can create a better sense of belonging.
It starts with leadership, right?
It helps to set the tone of your community and whether people feel they can bring up their concerns.
Vulnerability helps to create communities where people feel safe.
What are the benefits of vulnerability?
Humans innately crave connectedness.
As Dr. Saad notes, by being vulnerable, youre stepping into your power and being your authentic self.
In doing this, youll attract people who resonate with who you are at your core.
People who identify with the same values, with the same principles of life.
This will create more sense of community and support.
As I mentioned earlier, vulnerability is a superpower.
If you allow yourself to be vulnerable, it will start dissipating so much shame .
You begin to accept yourself, and stop placing so much judgment on yourself.
When we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, it starts to eliminate shame, she explains.
As we begin to eliminate shame, we free ourselves of negative thoughts and feelings of I am bad.
If you allow yourself to be vulnerable, it will start dissipating so much shame.
You begin to accept yourself, and stop placing so much judgment on yourself.
McKleroy also acknowledges that we all have an inner critic.
That inner critic has good intentions, its trying to keep us safe.
But it prevents real reciprocal, mutual connection.
Our inner critic is usually the one holding us back from really sharing ourselves with others.
The inner critic can be that internal voice that judges us, trying to verify we wont get hurt.
Why cant I let myself be vulnerable?
So vulnerability is not something that is actually [included] in the education system.
It is a cultural piece that is changing.
But, in some ways, we attempt to raise children to be tough, to be strong.
So people equate vulnerability with failure.
Theres a lot of really negative content associated with it.
We need to change the negativity around the concept of being vulnerable.
Thompson illustrates how our fast-paced culture has enabled us to avoid vulnerability.
Were such a fast-paced culture in the United States.
We fill our days with an endless amount of tasks.
Theres so much pressure on everybody to be super successful and to do a million things each day.
We arent making enough time to sit alone with our thoughts or process whats going on internally.
Is being vulnerable weak?
One of the many negative misconceptions associated with vulnerability is that being vulnerable makes you appear weak.
Thompson reminds us that vulnerability doesnt make us weak.
Rather, vulnerability is one of the most beautiful characteristics anybody could have, she says.
When youre able to be vulnerable, you are your authentic self.
McKleroy adds We have a lot of fears around [vulnerability].
You may also fear that being vulnerable reflects your insecurities.
Brene Brown gave a TED Talk about vulnerability and she emphasized that vulnerability is a measure of our courage.
And so, vulnerability gives us the choice to become courageous, to be connected.
We end up being less connected to ourselves and to others.
You seem more human.
People appreciate other people being real.
Vulnerability is anything, but weak.
It takes strength and courage to become vulnerable, McKleroy affirms.
How to be vulnerable but not needy
McKleroy outlines how being vulnerable doesnt make us needy.
First of all, humans have needs.
And having needs doesnt mean youre needy.
Expressing your needs helps you to achieve the freedom to be yourself.
Being our true selves brings a lot of happiness, joy, and creativity.
Being vulnerable can really be our North Star that helps to guide our actions.
Small acts of vulnerability can be a spontaneous act of care.
It could look like expressing your gratitude for someone.
It could look like sharing your dreams with someone.
you might really start small and build from there.
Its important to note, that a supportive and vulnerable relationship should be a balanced relationship.
No one wants to be the listener 100% of the time.
If youre always playing the same role in the relationship, that can feel very one-sided and unfilling.
Be sure to play the role of listener for your friends as well and also hold space for them.
McKleroy encourages people to be kind to themselves by acknowledging their needs.
You and your needs deserve to be seen and understood.
I think having self-compassion is asking yourself What do I need?
You know, when we build a home inside of ourselves, you realize our worth is not negotiable.
Is emotional vulnerability attractive?
I love that metaphor of the cage.
Support can be shown by listening, validating, and responding with empathy.
If somebodys being vulnerable or talking about something that theyre questioning, sit and listen.
Is there anything I can do to support you?
Responding in this way empowers a person and encourages them to continue to engage in vulnerability.
Khalifian, Chandra E., and Robin A. Barry.
Expanding Intimacy Theory: Vulnerable Disclosures and Partner Responding.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, vol.
1, 3 June 2019, pp.
5876, https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519853047.
Accessed 3 June 2020.
Baghramian, Maria, et al.
Vulnerability and Trust: An Introduction.International Journal of Philosophical Studies, vol.
5, 19 Oct. 2020, pp.
575582, https://doi.org/10.1080/09672559.2020.1855814.
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