Dealing with defensive people?
Communication experts explain how to talk to someone who gets defensive and protect your feelings.
So, how do you talk to someone who is defensive?
Experts in This Article
therapist at the telehealth and in-clinic mental health providerOctave.
sex educator
Defensiveness can come up for a myriad of reasons.
Either way, the potential for words to be misconstrued and emotions to collide becomes palpable.
therapist at the telehealth and in-clinic mental health providerOctave.
Why do people get defensive?
This throw in of behavior can depend on how someone feels about themself.
What are the signs of a persons defensive behavior?
Defensive behavior is antithetical to openness and curiosity, according to research published byCambridge University Press1.
The person being defensive might stop listening to you or shut down completely, too.
Those are just a few of the physical cues that scream defensiveness, says Richmond.
Its making you feel anxious or uneasy.
Tap into your own emotions and gut reactions when trying to spot defensiveness in other people.
Is there a pit in your stomach or is their lack of accountability triggering a feeling of anxiety?
therapist at the telehealth and in-clinic mental health providerOctave.
Its important to be mindful when learning how to talk to someone who is defensive.
Ask if the other person is ready to speak.
Establish some goals for the conversation.
She also suggests agreeing on a code word to de-escalate the conversation and return to it at another time.
Those absolute always and never statements can provoke or exacerbate defensive behaviors on the other persons part.
Respect each others emotions, even if you dont agree.
Projecting your own feelings on otherswont help you understand each other.
Engage in assertive communication, says Amodio.
How to stop someone from getting defensive
Name the defensiveness.
Sometimes, people might genuinely not be aware of their defensive behavior.
Otherwise, the defensiveness can snowball and get worse.
Approach defensiveness with curiosity.
Why is that defensiveness happening?
That can help steer the conversation back toward effective communication, says Richmond.
Call someone in on their behavior.
There is a difference between calling someone out on behavior and calling them in.
It has to do with acknowledging someones whole personhood, says Richmond.
That means not using those absolute statements like You just always shut down when we have an argument.
Take a break if you oughta.
Sometimes you oughta knowwhen to walk away from an argument.
you’ve got the option to make a shared decision about when to come back to the conversation.
How can being defensive hurt your relationship?
Jillian Amodio, LMSW
Richmond acknowledges that defensive behavior can be harmful to couples working through their issues.
Often, the smaller arguments are representative of a larger issue in the relationship.
How do you break defensive behavior?
Breaking defensive behavior requires you to be self-aware and open to feedback from other people in your life.
Ahead, experts share a few useful tips to shut down defensive behavior.
Start with self-reflection.
If youre a person who tends to exhibit defensive behavior when communicating, the first step is some self-reflection.
Check the facts of the situation.
Walk back through your most recent argument with your significant other or parents.
Then, Ask yourself what your end goal is.
Is your end goal to be right?
Or is your end goal to be understood?
Try therapy for a better mirror of your behaviors.
The more we normalize defensiveness to begin with, the easier it is to own it, says Richmond.
This is a huge sign of self-love, strength, and desire to grow, says Amodio.
Get a gut check from other people you love.
Its important to note that therapy isnt always accessible for everyone.
You dont have to beat yourself up about it.
YAP, AUDREY, and JONATHAN ICHIKAWA.
Defensiveness and Identity.Journal of the American Philosophical Association, 28 Feb. 2023, pp.
120, https://doi.org/10.1017/apa.2022.43.
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