It was scary, but it vastly improved my mental health.
Here’s how and why I did itplus the considerations in case you’re thinking about it too.
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A few days after I spoke to my mom, I talked to a new psychiatrist.
There were times that my heart would race all day and my mind would race at night.
For days, I couldnt eat or sleep.
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I spent a week in a blur of doctors, hospitals, nurses, and medicationswith no resolution.
After listening and asking questions, the psychiatrist suggested something new: an intensive outpatient program.
It sounded extreme, but at that point it also felt necessary.
I sat down in a room with about 10 other people, ages ranging from late teens to middle-age.
Once the COVID-19 pandemic started, we began attending groups via Zoom, but the format remained the same.
Every day during therapy, we would give a check-in.
The easiest way to explain it is that before I got sick, I would go through life absentmindedly.
How many moments did I spend in themoment?
I didnt give myself space to acknowledge my feelings and work through them.
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Id push down negative feelings, hoping that if I just ignored them then theyd go away.
The first thing I learned in group therapy is that I couldnt move on from my pain.
I had to work through it.
That is something that IOPs can do really well, in part because theres a lot of psychoeducation.
In my program, we used dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) as part of our treatment.
This emphasizes regulating emotions, being mindful, and learning to accept pain.
I have an entire notebook full of DBT exercises, healthy coping skills, and reflections.
In my group sessions, wed focus on worksheets, and I took notes from all of the sessions.
First, I learned that if I woke up lethargic and depressed, I had to acknowledge those feelings.
Im also supposed to look for a way to regulate my mood so it doesnt affect my entire day.
Another DBT skill called interpersonal effectiveness has helped me improve my interactions with others.
But Ive learned thats false; asking for help is a sign of strength.
Working through the trauma of that in weekly therapy could have taken years.
But being in a full-time program gave me the time and space to really focus on healing.
I once heard that forgiveness means giving up the hope that the past could be any different.
I like to think of radical acceptance like that, and its something Ill continue to master.
Now that the program has ended, Im keenly aware of how privileged I was to attend it.
Part of the reason is that there arent a lot of IOPs in our country.
You dont want people to be going in and out of the ER.
You want to have the in-betweenwe need more of that.
I know that if I ever need to return to outpatient therapy, the option is there.
Keeping my mind healthy is a complex process.
With care, intention, and strength, I can change my reality.
I can lean on my support system.
I can create happy moments in my life.
I can ease my mind, making my world a brighter place.
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