Here’s how to use them.
While it took some practice to implement our safe word, we found that it was surprisingly helpful.
Heres what we took away from the experienceand why experts recommend it.
This frustrates them, which then causes the argument to escalate.
Even if youre aware of this pattern, it can be hard to stop in the moment.
Its a tool you use when it feels as if the conversation may soon become unproductive.
founder and psychotherapist at The Racial Equity Therapist
(Its an inside joke, dont ask.)
The added bonus is that your partner also has the time to reflect as well.
… Are we venting at each other, or are we solving something together?
Esther Perel
Implementing the safe word, though, was easier said than done.
Afterwards, I felt like a failure.
During our next argument, I managed to use the safe wordhuzzah!but it was too late.
Instead, call it early so it can be understood as a friendly, non-combative gesture.
We both stood in silence for a moment and looked at each other, and burst into hysterics.
By the time we finished laughing, we truly forgot what we were fighting about.
founder and psychotherapist at The Racial Equity Therapist
Thats the beauty of a safe word.
In some cases, we were able to brush it off and move on.
And lets be real: choosing your battles issoimportant in any relationship.
Are we venting at each other, or are we solving something together?
Admittedly, we havent quite mastered using the safe word every single time we fight.
But practice makes perfect, right?
I imagine that the more we remember to leverage this tool, the more it will become second nature.
How to try it
Eager to try this strategy in your own relationship?
Here are some expert-recommended tips for using a safe word.
Choose a safe word thats linked to a positive memory, invites levity, or inspires a teamwork mindset.
Harrison advises choosing a word or phrase that is non-controversialand ideally a little silly.
If it reminds you of a positive memory from your relationship, even better.
A safe word can be a phrase, too.
For example, she suggests trying something like, Were entering the desert, or Were short on water.
Its more important that the safe word be more metaphorical than literal, she adds.
Dont wait too long to use your safe word.
Give some parameters for your time out.
Develop a repair ritual that works for you.
The person who said the safe word should lead the re-engagement effort, says Harrison.
Remember: You dont necessarily want to just pick up the conversation where it left off.
Not sure where to start?
Try just naming what you were feeling when the argument started, and/or what youre feeling now.
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