Here’s what hoovering is and how you might avoid it.
Venetia Leonidaki, PhD, is the founder of Spiral Psychology.
But being aware of what hoovering is can help you spot it.
Other than bringing you back into the relationship, hoovering makes the abuser feel better.
Abusers get desperate when their partner leaves (or threatens to).
So at what point is your ex hoovering versus just expressing feelings?
Taylor Williams, LCSW, is a clinical social worker at Thriveworks in Cherry Hill, NJ, who specializes in care for clients who have experienced domestic violence and sexual assault.
Hoovering is a symptom of an already unhealthy relationship where manipulation and control already exist, she says.
Wanting to go back to that person in some form is understandable.
Regardless, coping with the emotions hoovering can dredge up is crucial.
For example, is your partner proving to you that they cannot respect your no or your boundaries?
Dont treat hoovering as a promise for a sustained improvement in the perpetrators behavior, Dr. Leonidaki says.
Remember that the abusers attempts to win you over are short-lived and part of the cycle of abuse.
She also encourages finding self-validation elsewhere, where its more sustainable, honest, and healthy.
Talking to loved ones and engaging in hobbies can help.
To reduce your guilt, Williams suggests reminding yourself that youre responsible for yourself only.
Taylor Williams, LCSW, is a clinical social worker at Thriveworks in Cherry Hill, NJ, who specializes in care for clients who have experienced domestic violence and sexual assault.
Focus on your needs and well-being
You are your number one priority.
Dont allow any feelings of guilt or pity to drive your decisions, Dr. Leonidaki says.
(Easier said than done, but you’re free to do it!)
Then bring in the self-care.
Do you’re gonna wanna spend time with loved ones or on your own?
Are you eating and sleeping enough?
(There are other options for finding specificallyLGBTQ-friendlyorgender-affirming practitionersas well.)
Remember, you are worthy of support and love.
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