WELL+GOOD: Youve written a lot about pregnancy loss.
What inspired you to expand your efforts into a book?
I also wanted to dare myself to go deeper into my own experience.
And we bring our histories, of course, to our losses.
Its like, why?
Were so uncomfortable talking about grief in general.
Jessica Zucker, PhD is a psychologist who specializes in women’s reproductive health and maternal mental health.
or, Are you scared in this pregnancy because of the miscarriage?
or, Do you ever wonder who that person would have been?
I dont want to say evaporate because for some people, it doesnt.
we have to be done with that.
But since its not integrated normally into the conversation, people think its abnormal.
People think that somethings wrong with them, or people think they should be hush-hush about it.
Do you think some aspects of wellness culture contribute to self-blame?
And I think that kind of rhetoric puts all the more pressure on people.
Did I work out too much?
Jessica Zucker, PhD is a psychologist who specializes in women’s reproductive health and maternal mental health.
Did I not drink enough water?
Was I not taking enough vitamins?
Should I have gone to acupuncture?
Should I not have gone to acupuncture?
Should I not have had sex or masturbated?
And when we think that maybe we did something wrong, that morphs into shame.
Because [society] isnt standing there with open arms saying, of course its not your fault.
Has stigma around miscarriage shifted since you began your work, and if so, how?
But I continually have new patients coming in who still feel the feelings that Im hoping to help.
So I want to say Ive seen significant progress,andI think we have a long way to go.
Thats the best way to put it.
And maybe that, in itself, is normalizing.
Its not enough, though.
I dont know what its going to take.
How do you suggest approaching a loved ones pregnancy loss?
I see that even in my office, people just take a stab at be like, Its fine.
Shying away from platitudes is the wisest choice you’re free to make.
So just, How are you doing?
Im here for you.
Id like to hear about your experience, if and when you want.
And I think thats an excuse to not have to wade into uncomfortable waters.
If you ask and she doesnt want to talk about it, shell tell you.
I wish I knew that miscarriage has the potential to shift your life lens.
I wish I knew that grief knows no timeline.
Lastly, I wish I knewand what I came to learnis that community and storytelling are a potent salve.
It was a combination of things.
Of course, therapy was helpful.
We dont have to have the exact same experience, but the feelings are so common.
I say, Lets think together for one secondwhat if you did absolutely nothing wrong?
Were not going to go back to who we were previously, maybe, but we will emerge.
And when we try so hard not to feel our feelings, they actually stick around a lot longer.
So, I invite people to lean into grief, even if it feels like youre gonna drown.
And grief knows no timeline.
Take all the time you need.
This interview was edited and condensed for clarity and space.
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