If a recent game night makes you ask, “am I too competitive?”
this one’s for you.
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Ive always been competitive.
Ive been the primary instigator of my sibling rivalry with my older brother since we were in diapers.
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What was the point in playing if you couldnt win?
That thought became a defining ethos that I carried with me through adulthood.
Although Id always taken pride in my competitive edge, I eventually started to see the cracks.
For every raise or promotion Id win at work, the ones I lost felt like personal affronts.
Whenever a friend shared their success, it would only remind me of how Id failed.
In my mind, if I wasnt the best, I was a walking disappointment.
You get a grade, and you know exactly where you stand compared to other students.
But once youre in adulthood, those metrics fall away.
This realization had me wondering: How did I get so competitive?
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And is it actually a bad thing?
There are definitely people who are innately more competitive than others, says Dr. Rabon.
Individuals who measure their self-worth by comparing themselves to other people are likely to be more competitive.
However, situations can definitely impact someones competitiveness.
If there is an audience or there are limited resources, these situations can also enhance competitiveness in individuals.
People who are high in trait competitiveness will tend to perceive a non-competitive situation as being competitive.
Imagine youre staying in a high-rise hotel.
Is being competitive a losing game for your mental health?
The short answer: No, its not inherently a bad thing to be competitive.
When people with fixed mindsets experience failure, they feel as if they are losers and withdraw from competition.
However, decades of research makes a clear case that competition doesnt always lead to positive results.
Researchers also believehyper-competitive people tend to have lower self-esteem and higher rates of anxiety and depression.
So when does healthy competition teeter on going too far?
Im coming out on top.
Exacerbating this is the global platform for which these comparisons can be made: the internet.
Not exactly an even playing fieldand potentially bound to hurt someones self-esteem.
Dr. Gooden, however, notes that these reactionswhile undesirableare normal human responses.
(I.e.If they get a good job, then Im not getting one.)
But mindset is misleading.
In most cases, someone else doing well doesnt directly impact your ability to do well, too.
Thats not exactly a recipe for trust or cooperation thats essential for any healthy relationship.
More damaging?Score-keeping with a partner.
And losing will just bring pain.
The same goes if you are unable to move past your performance, win or lose.
Whenever youre too hard on yourself, she suggests purposefully treating yourself like that dream coach.
Weve lost sight of who we are, holistically, as people, says Dr. Gooden.
If Im not always performing at 100 percent, then Im not worthy.
Then I dont treat myself well, and then I dont believe other people should treat me well.
Tying our sense of worthiness to our output and to winning creates a bunch of unhelpful behaviors.
Somich sees this constantly with her clients.
Theres been a shift, in which there is the human doing, not the human being.
Those who feel like human doings, says Somich, have likely lost sign of their original purpose.
She suggests looking inward: Start with the question: Who are you without the doing?
Then, find a noncompetitive activity you enjoy doing just for the fun of it.
But, Im in it to win it.
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