Is confessing that you cheated always the best option?
Should you tell your partner you cheated to feel better?
For some couples, evendreams about your partner cheatingare enough to stir up a fight.
But sharing your infidelity with your partner is easier said than done.
After all, does cheating mean youll break up?
Does it mean youre a bad person?
a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher, and author ofGaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Emotional Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse.
Will your relationship ever go back to normal once they know the truth?
Why do people cheat in relationships?
This may come as a surprise but cheating in a relationship is more common than you think.
Even when you love someone, it does not necessarily mean that you are happy in the relationship.
Takethis study in theJournal of Sex & Marital Therapy1for example.
The study found that what led to the affair could correlate to what the affair looked like.
Another important thing to note when considering the question Should you tell your partner you cheated?
is that people dont always set out with the intention of cheating.
So if youre shocked you cheated on your partner, youre not alone.
a trauma-informed therapist, podcaster, researcher, and author ofGaslighting Recovery for Women: The Complete Guide to Recognizing Emotional Manipulation and Achieving Freedom from Emotional Abuse.
Why would you cheat on someone you love?
Additionally, distance can be a risk factor for cheating.
Abuse and poweras referenced earlierare other potential indicators that one or more partners in the relationship may cheat.
This is why watching potential abuse of power patterns is so important, Dr. Kelley says.
What makes considering the question Should you tell your partner you cheated?
This can be a reflection of the relationship or the individual.
Its definitely worth doing the internal process to heal so future relationships are healthier.
Should you tell your partner when you cheated?
In other words, rather than Should you tell your partner you cheated?
youre wondering When should I tell my partner I cheated?
The therapist-backed answer, however, may not be the one you want.
She explains that when you tell your partner, theyll naturally have questionslike when the affair occurred.
And thats a difficult question to answer.
They also might assume that you were making a decision to hide it all together.
Along those same lines, Stockard doesnt recommend any form of cover-up.
Are you a bad person if you cheat?
Cheating doesnt inherently make you a bad person, but it does mean you have room for growth.
Stockard agrees cheating (or any mistake) doesnt define a person wholly.
This allows room for remorse, growth, and rectification.
At the same time, the effects of being cheated on are real.
What you do is up to you.
Can cheating be a one-time mistake?
Cheating can absolutely be a one-time mistake, according to Stockard.
Dr. Kelley agrees; though, she doesnt believe its a given.
It is also more likely someone will cheat if they have done it before, Dr. Kelley adds.
So, the real answer?
Theres no telling whether your specific partner will cheat again if theyve done it once.
Instead, its up to them to take responsibility for their actions and grow.
Can a relationship go back to normal after cheating?
Normalcy, or what the relationship looked like beforehand, may not be what you actually want.
It should not go back to exactly how it was before, Dr. Kelley says.
In other words, workfrom both sides, but mostly from the partner who cheatedis needed, Stockard says.
I recommend seeking the guidance of a therapist to help navigate the situation, she says.
Instead, focus on growing alongside your partner and moving forward with what youve learned.
Is it best to break up after cheating?
Whether its best to break up after cheating is another situational case.
Thats also to say that breakups are hard, even if theyre for good reason.
are a couple of helpful tips.
How do I get over the guilt of cheating without telling?
Learn more about yourself and why you cheated
Stockard recommends gaining some insight first.
She notes it will be difficult, thoughit requires going deep and can induce guiltso prepare yourself for that.
Once we look at ourselves deeply and admit our mistakes, we can heal, Kelly says.
She encourages going softly, slowly, intentionally, and with grace.
Go to therapy
In fact, lots of [grace], Dr. Kelley says.
She recommends sharing what was done with an objective therapist and trying to work through the repair methods.
To find a therapist that works for you, consider filtering through thePsychology Today databaseorOpen Path Collective database.
and decide not to quite yet, act as though you did.
What does that mean?
Redefine yourself and follow all repair methods as if you told the partner, Dr. Kelley says.
Self-forgiveness measures include self-compassion,cultivating self-care practices, and accepting what you cant change.
Basically, things that can help you move on.
Final thoughts
So, should you tell your partner you cheated?
If you cheat, therapists encourage you to tell your partner ASAP and take full accountability.
Breaking up after cheating isnt a guaranteed outcome,andstaying together will take consistent work from both partners.
Selterman, Dylan, et al.
What Do People Do, Say, and Feel When They Have Affairs?
3, 30 Dec. 2020, pp.
114, https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623x.2020.1856987.
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