Weaponized incompetence is pretending to be inept or feigning ignorance to avoid responsibility.
Learn how to spot it in relationships.
For example, someone may put off a simple task until their partner gives in and does it themselves.
This behavior isnt limited to romantic relationships, either.
Who does weaponized incompetence affect?
Mothers with more childcare responsibilities upon returning to work reported more conflict.
therapist and chief clinical officer at premarital counseling platform Ours
Is weaponized incompetence always intentional?
Partners may weaponize incompetence to seek control or attention, elicit sympathy, or avoid negative consequences.
This behavior tends to become a pattern when theres some kind of reward, Dr. Appleton says.
While it may seem like your partner is acting this way on purpose, weaponized incompetence can be unintentional.
Another feature of weaponized incompetence is gaslighting, which involves making someone question their reality, Dr. Walsh says.
For instance, someone may say to their spouse: Im not good with babies.
Are you sure I can handle this?
Another example is declining to help with budgeting because theyre not good with numbers.
They care how their actions affect their partner.
therapist and chief clinical officer at premarital counseling platform Ours
Below, youll find four tips for managing weaponized incompetence if you notice it cropping up in your relationship.
Its also wise to focus on the dynamic youre observing.
Set expectations
Dr. Appleton suggests working with your partner to develop clear expectations for sharing responsibilities.
Aside from chores, people feign incompetence to avoid conflict.
She also suggests using encouragement and praise when you see improvement.
Decades of research show thatpeople learn best in a supportive environment6.
Dr. Walsh suggests giving your partner tasks and instructions to see how they do.
If the issue concerns childcare, she recommends taking an infant care and CPR class together.
That way, youre both equipped with the same knowledge.
Seek couples therapy
Its unlikely that your partner will change overnight.
Having an outside perspective can be beneficial for understanding relationship dynamics.
De Gennaro, Davide, and Gabriella Piscopo.
4, 2023, pp.
DOI:https://doi.org/10.1080/14759551.2023.2176501.
Broek, Simon, et al.
What Makes Adults Choose to Learn: Factors That Stimulate or Prevent Adults from Learning.Sage Journals, vol.
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