Narcissists thrive on manipulation.
Therapists share how to take control away from a narcissist, plus how to shut one down safely.
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While these feelings dontalwayspoint to narcissistic abuse, they can be common indicatorsand are just straight-up sh*tty.
And that can lead to a plethora of negative effects on your mental health.
In the midst of so much confusion and pain, how can you take control away from a narcissist?
an Octave therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery and trauma
What are the signs of a narcissist?
Identifying a narcissist is the first step to getting control back.
Yes, abuse is often a piece of the puzzle when it comes to narcissism.
Not everyone who shows those signs has a full-blown case of narcissistic personality disorder, however.
For example, thevictim narcissist, or thevulnerable narcissist, may present as being constantly hurt.
Again, not everyone with narcissistic traits has a true case of narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder.
One sign McKay wants to clarify isgaslighting, given its buzzy nature.
Can someone with a narcissistic personality change?
The answer isnt too promising.
an Octave therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery and trauma
If and when they do seek therapy, it can be helpfulto an extent.
McKay says this is true especially as they age, when certain characteristics of personality disorders tend to ease.
One technique that can be beneficial is mentalizing, or realizing how their actions and attitudes impact others.
It addresses mood dysregulation, interpersonal stress, and positive interventions, such as mindfulness.
And research shows this ischallenging at bestfor most people with narcissistic personality disorder.
This increased self-awareness can be a crucial first step toward change.
Its incredibly difficult (and often futile) waiting for a narcissist to change their ways.
So oftentimes the more feasible solution to improving your situation is taking your control back from a narcissist.
What shuts down a narcissist?
Put them in their place bysetting clear boundariesand actually enforcing them.
This could look like I will not be spoken to with that disrespectful tone and language.
If you do it again, I will leave the room.
Setting boundaries can easily upset a narcissist.
Survivors have to be okay with having [the narcissist] becoming resentful and angry, Jambazian says.
(Easier said than done, but also worthwhile.)
Narcissists thrive on emotional anger from you, Jambazian explains.
They think they have won when you are upset and outraged.
Stick to superficial topics, she says.
Start gradually distancing yourself and do not engage with them.
Putting your wants and needs first
To be clear, this is different from narcissism.
By giving yourself some power and control, youre taking back whats yours.
(And if you do, give yourself grace and self-compassion!)
Bayramyan encourages you to avoid feeding into that by engaging with them as it only encourages them further.
Consider saying one of these phrases
Say those therapist-backed statements over and over again, too, if needed.
Thats basically thebroken record technique,which is an assertiveness skill.
FYI, there are times when these statements wont necessarily be your best option, though.
What shouldnt you say to a narcissist?
Bayramyan shares similar sentiments, like not criticizing them, trying to expose them, or making ultimatums.
They are unlikely to respond positively.
In short, what feels potentially helpful may not be, and vice versa.
Jambazian encourages you to spend your energy on alternatives that work.
(More on what that looks like below!)
Can ignoring a narcissist be an effective strategy?
), Jambazian says.
Rather, go no-contact if possible.
Merely ignoring them can also lead to scary situations.
They may also bring in other people and twist the narrative.
If you fear they may engage in some sort of violence, its critical to ensure your safety.
Ultimately, do what you’re gonna wanna do to be emotionally and physically safe.
How to take control away from a narcissist
1.
Understand their tactics
Be mindful of when their words are a form of manipulation rather than a helpful truth.
Low contact works when you have kids, she continues.
Less engagement helps survivors heal and thrive.
McKay agrees that saying nothing is the most effective conversational strategy.
Silence can never be misquoted.
If you feel bad, remind yourself youre doing the right thing.
While its hard, have a go at avoid taking their cruel words to heart.
Further, take care of yourself outside of that, too.
Practice DEEP
McKay sums taking control back well with the acronym DEEP.
It stands for dont: Defend, Explain, Engage, or Personalize.
Grey rocking
In a nutshell, thegrey rock methodentails giving little reaction.
We are refusing to provide them the ammo to intensify their provocation.
This doesnt work all the time, but the goal is for them to become disinterested, Jambazian explains.
Jambazian says it works well when co-parenting.
It can also be helpful if you have to go to court later on.
The yellow rock approach can seem friendlier, more amenable, less you get this and nothing more.
You dont share any information with them so that they dont use it against you later, Jambazian says.
This goes for both personal and professional relationships.
In a work setting, McKay also urges seeking intervention from management or HR if the abuse doesnt end.
McKay recommends a therapist who has extensive experience in trauma and personality disorders.
What happens when a narcissist loses power?
While taking those steps is crucial, be prepared for it to be tough, too.
They may act out in a harmful way.
Bayramyan adds they may make a run at intimidate you, manipulate you, or coerce you.
Their acts of violence may become physical, as well.
Their reactions arent always aggressive and external, however.
Then, they may look for other sources of narcissistic supply.
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