Finding love as a gay black man feels isn’t always easy.
I had come to Yellowstone to work a seasonal summer job.
You think youre so smart for taking a shitty job on the other side of the country?
You should be preparing to graduate college in a year.
Every boy was too white, too shallow, or too afraid to be with a man.
So it was refreshing to meet Colt and Sky, both blonde-haired and rambunctious.
…
I liked to go on long walks with Colt after nightfall.
I didnt like it when he talked about his ex-girlfriend or the new coworker that he was dating.
It was disarming how much he opened up to me.
I smiled beside him, thinking of all the things that he would do.
So much happened that summer.
Colt was the only person I really wanted to confide in.
I feel so stupid, Id say.
I cant do all the same reckless things as these white kids.
My father went toprison, then died.
…
I dont wanna be a repeat of him.
I couldnt decide whether it bothered me or not that Colt didnt respond for a while.
I sighed, staring out at the stars above the massive, black lake.
I just need to do this.
The next week, we went to Shadow Mountain.
Colts roommate, Andrew, liked to hang around and talk politics.
One night after heavily drinking, I fell asleep in his bed alongside him.
Halfway through the night, his lips and hands searched my body.
His erection rubbed against me until I jolted up and excused myself to the bathroom.
The joke at least meant that my interest in him wasnt invisible or revolting to him.
A few nights later, Andrew wandered into my room drunk.
It was shocking how desperate he was to find my flesh.
Colt was tall, confident, and smiley.
He only wanted me to behappy.
Did Andrew even know what could make me happy?
Did I even have a clear idea of it myself?
And if so, did I even have the courage to say it out loud?
The next year, I found my courage.
I marched through a rain-soaked street during ademonstrationI helped organize for Eric Garner.
I also crawled onto my friends floor on many drunken nights and sobbed about how alone I felt.
Colt and I eventually began talking again, but I never pressed him about how the previous summer ended.
The next year, I took a summer job in Montana and answered his drunken phone calls.
I just wish you were here in bed with me, was his tune one night.
My stomach dropped as I ended my last phone call with him.
Months before, Id gone on my first trip abroad and visited Andrew while he studied in Budapest.
But I think youre beautiful, he slurred to me with crossed eyes.
He leaned in for a kiss and I shoved him back.
He kept trying to kiss me all the way to the guest bedroom where I was sleeping.
Looking back on that summer in Yellowstone, I realize the error in my ways.
This queer universe Id embarked upon had to mean more than wading in amorphous love in the shadows.
What had I gained from being silent with them?
What had I gained from being so silent with myself?
I dont want to live in the shadows or margins anymore.
I deserve more, my Black body and all.
…
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