Experts share answers here.
If youve ever had the realization my partner reminds me of my parent, youre not alone.
Is this an eerie similarity or an endearing coincidence?
Biology and psychology both play their part in why that could be.
When that modeling is negative, it can lead tomother woundsand father wounds.
Do people look for partners that remind them of their parents?
gender-affirming therapist specializing in teen and young adult counseling
Its more common than you might think for people to look for partners that remind them of their parents.
Positive feelings about a parent could lead you to have positive feelings about someone whos like them.
Looking for partners like your parents can be conscious or unconscious.
Finding someone similar means we dont need to adjust our rhythms and roles.
We are satisfying our innate need to keep things stable and familiar.
This can be influenced by positive or negative experiences with their parents.
Further,parent-adolescent bondingandparent-child compatibilitycan play a big role in your long-term health and well-being as you grow up.
It all comes down to what were used to.
Our families set the tone of what we think of as normal, Shashoua says.
gender-affirming therapist specializing in teen and young adult counseling
This can intersect with the aforementioned unresolved issue piece of the puzzle, in which negativity is the norm.
Why do we choose partners similar to our parents?
You may be wondering why many of us are attracted to familiarity when its uncomfortable or worse, abusive.
Finding someone similar means we dont need to adjust our rhythms and roles, Shashoua explains.
We are satisfying our innate need to keep things stable and familiar.
In this way, familiarity may, at times, take precedence over emotional and physical safety.
This is a sign ofrepetition compulsion,or feeling compelled to reenact an experience that may have been traumatic.
People may do this to attempt to master, heal from, or understand a traumatic life event.
These patterns can be ingrained and repeated unless consciously addressed, she says.
In other words, repetition compulsion may not be the most effective way to heal.
What does it mean if my boyfriend reminds me of my dad?
Its normal to date someone who reminds you of your dad, Shashoua says.
Again, familiarity can feel comfortable, even when what were familiar with is not comfortable.
Not everyones boyfriend, however, will remind them of their dad.
Further, it may be possible youre attracted to people like your dad but havent actually dated them.
What does it mean if my girlfriend reminds me of my mom?
Its also normal for your girlfriend to remind you of your mom, Shashoua says.
Here, you may attracted to your partner because of their harmful similarities to your mother.
Personality and relationship styles arent the only factors that can be familiar and comfortablephysicality can be, too.
(So back to repetition compulsion.)
This can be a way to seek familiarity, security, or unresolved emotional needs from childhood.
This association between appearance and emotions can persist and be reflected in intimate relationships into adulthood.
Age is another physical tie-in you may notice.
So not everything ties back to childhood experiences.
Sometimes, our current perceptions of our parents can be just as influential on our relationship patterns.
Moore first encourages thinking about whether the behavior or tendency harms the relationship.
If the result is positive, then theres nothing to be concerned about, she says.
As with most things, however, there is a gray area.
Betweengreen flagsand yellow flags, we have…icks?
You may notlovea quality about your partner, but its not necessarily harmful or a dealbreaker.
If you notice yellow or red flags, consider the following therapist-backed tips.
What was your parent-child relationship like growing up?
Understanding these connections can help you navigate any similarities or differences with your partner, Cwynar says.
Understandably, you may worry about what that means or frantically Google the psychology behind it.
Communication may help you get the relationship back on track, though.
Share your thoughts and feelings with your partner in a calm and honest manner, Cwynar says.
Discuss any concerns or patterns you have noticed, and work together to create a supportive and understanding environment.
Can you kindly _____ instead?
She believes at best, this can result in a stronger relationship.
If your partner doesnt react well, however, it may signal its time for the relationship to end.
She encourages finding someone to talk to, like a trusted friend or therapist.
Advocates are a free option, such asthe National Domestic Violence Hotline, which has an online chat box.
My partner reminds me of my parentnow what?
Many people look at their partner and are reminded of their parents.
Instead, ask yourself a few questions.
Is the relationship healthy and happy?
Given your history, what steps might you better take to ensure its as good as it can be?
In other words, how youre being treated in a relationship is paramount.
Shashoua adds, We all deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
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