The bristle reaction is an involuntary recoiling response to your partner’s touch.
Here’s why it happens sometimes and what to do.
Thats the bristle reaction.
Experts in This Article
a therapist practicing in Texas and Florida.
This typically happens as a result ofcommon relationship problemsand doesnt necessarily mean the spark is gone.
(Because, yes, this can happen when you love your partner, too.)
a therapist practicing in Texas and Florida.
So, what exactlydoesthe bristle reaction mean, and what does it say about your partnership?
Rest assured, your relationship isnt doomed if you flinched away from a partners touch involuntarily once or twice.
What is a bristle reaction?
At first glance, you may be tempted to liken the bristle reaction withthe ick.
According to therapists, though, theyre quite different.
The bristle reaction in relationships is more of an automatic physical response to your partners touch.
It is basically their body communicating to them that something needs to be addressed in the relationship.
When partners arent openly discussing their needs and boundaries, misunderstandings can lead to resentment and withdrawal.
What causes bristle reactions?
a therapist practicing in Texas and Florida.
Underlying relationship issues or intimacy issues are typically the cause of bristle reactions.
All kinds of relationship dynamics can affect your sex life and intimacy.
Or, it can be a communication breakdown.
This can happen especially if you have apartner who wont go to therapy.
You might also just not be in the mood for sex for several reasons.
One partner might have a bristle reaction if they are a survivor of sexual trauma.
Sometimes this can be due to theeffects of not having sexin a long time, says Cooper-Lovett.
Self-reflect on your own triggers.
Dissociation from a situation is a common trauma response.
that might be prompting a bristle reaction toward your partner?
Herzog recommends doing a lot of thinking to put all of these pieces together.
Explore both the root causes and your fantasies with your partner.
If youre the partner experiencing the bristle reaction, know that this is not solo work.
The best way to express your needs and concerns is using I statements, adds Herzog.
Can we have some sort of verbal signal to check in before we start having sex?
This doesnt need to be a contentious conversation.
That way, when you do decide to initiate sex, its not always associated with a sudden touch.
Talk about sex very directly, even outside the bedroom.
Communication about sex is so key for a healthy sex lifethis isnt anything new.
Im just feeling super stressed about my work day and not in the right headspace for sex.).
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4.
Practice self-care as you rebuild trust.
There are different ways you’re free to practice self-care to prioritize your physical and emotional well-being.
You could develop a solo meditation practice that helps you visualize a comforting space every time you feel triggered.
Incorporate touch that is not associated with sex.
She also creates a Yes/No/Maybe list with clients.
Consider working with a sex therapist.
They can help you explore the roots of your reactions and restore physical and emotional connections, says Herzog.
Is it okay to make out every day?
It turns out there is some science behind this concept.
How do I help my partner overcome the bristle reaction?
Heres how you’ve got the option to work together to get past it.
Be mindful to not get defensive.
This is potentially the most important piece of advice when it comes to open conversations about sex.
Hear the other person out fully and be mindful not to get defensive or shut down, Wilson says.
It does not mean the relationship is doomed to fail.
Herzog recommends leading with patience and empathy in these discussions.
Practice calmness and gentleness toward your partner.
Raising your voice or storming away will not help this situation.
Reassure your partner that they are safe and loved, adds Herzog.
Ask what you might do to support them.
Be transparent and caring, and still hear the person, says Cooper Lovett.
Dont have to agree, but at least understand the person and where theyre coming from.
Create intimacy outside of touch.
Make the effort to be more connected to your partner outside of touch, Cooper-Lovett adds.
Its about being as creative as possible.
You might need to work with a marriage and family therapist to mediate, says Herzog.
Center for Substance Abuse Treatment.
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