The misuse of gaslighting can shut down otherwise productive conversation.
Here’s how to use the term safely to describe emotional abuse.
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Everyone fights and has disagreements, but gaslighting is manipulative behavior that tries to invalidate a victims lived experience.
How did the term gaslighting evolve?
The word gaslighting originates from the 1938 playGas Lightby Patrick Hamilton.
psychotherapist at Momentum Health Counseling in New York
The protagonists husband intentionally works to make her believe she can no longer trust her perception of reality.
In 1944, the play was turned into a movie calledGaslight, directed by George Cukor.
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic designed to create a superior and subordinate dynamic in a relationship.
Anna Glaser, LMHC
How is gaslighting misused?
Like in the original film, gaslighters intentionally manipulate their victims so they doubt their lived experiences.
If this isnt a persons intent, theres probably another term or phrase that describes their behavior more accurately.
What qualifies as gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic designed to create a superior and subordinate dynamic in a relationship, says Glaser.
The goal of the abuser is to cause the victim to doubt their thoughts and feelings and question themselves.
psychotherapist at Momentum Health Counseling in New York
What are the four types of gaslighting?
These types of gaslighting often present together in various combinations that stem from the abusers past interpersonal experiences.
What are examples of gaslighting?
Likewise, not all kinds of manipulation are gaslighting.
Everyone forgets something occasionally and the human memory isnt perfect.
Did you ask while they were otherwise occupied?
Did they acknowledge that they heard your request?
Small instances like this are probably not gaslighting; though, they can be depending on the gaslighters approach.
Being too sensitive or too dramatic
Being too sensitive or too dramatic are classic examples of gaslighting.
This can happen in a work context, too.
If youre confronting your parent as an adult, its possible that they simply dont remember.
Sometimes the incidents that shape us are inconsequential to other people.
This may include ignoring or diminishing the importance of your behaviors.
This may stem from thenarcissistic tendencyto make everything about themselves.
Of course, its important to self-reflecthave you actually been there for this person?
Have you shown them support when they needed it?
A gaslighter is likely to respond with something to the effect of, You think your job is hard?
Well, I work harder than you and I put food on the table.
What do you do all day?
Stay at home and shop with your friends.
Who really takes care of you?
Gaslighters want control and power, so minimizing your contributions in a relationship is a key gaslighting tactic.
Youre too broken to be loved by someone else.
Of course, these gaslighting tactics are not exclusive to romantic relationships or friendships.
Disagreeing with someone or having a different opinion doesnt mean theyre trying to control or gaslight you.
People can hurt their friends, family, partners, and co-workers without necessarily gaslighting.
Before starting the conversation, acknowledge your feelings and ask yourself what is making you most upset.
Zemon Gass, Gertrude, et al.
Gaslighting: A marital syndrome.Contemp Fam Ther10, 316 (1988).
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